Stage 1: Self-Discovery | Your Values

The principles you protect no matter what happens.

SELF-DISCOVERYTHE METHOD

11 min read

Your personality tells you how you move through the world, and your values tell you why.

Values are the things you'll fight for even when it's inconvenient, when no one is watching, and when following them costs you something. They are the principles that, when you violate them, leave you with that gnawing feeling that something went wrong, even if everyone around you seems fine.

Most people, when asked what they value, will list things that sound good: honesty, family, freedom, kindness. And they probably mean it. But meaning it in the abstract is different from actually living it. A value that doesn't show up in your choices, your calendar, and your bank statements is an aspiration or a preference, not a value.

Remember: values are not what you say matters, but what you do when things get hard.

This section is about finding the values you actually live by, not the ones that sound nice.

This will also be your opportunity to decide if those are the values you want to keep, because sometimes we inherit values we never chose from parents, cultures, industries, or partners. When you make those visible, you get the chance to keep what fits and rewrite what doesn't.

-THE RESEARCH

What values actually are

In psychology, values are defined as broad, trans-situational goals that serve as guiding principles in a person's life. That definition comes from Shalom Schwartz, a social psychologist whose theory of basic human values is the most widely validated framework in the field. His work, spanning more than 80 countries and thousands of studies since 1992, identified a universal structure of human values that holds across cultures.

Schwartz found that all human values cluster around 10 broad types, which sit on a circular continuum. Values that are next to each other on the circle tend to be compatible (you can pursue both). Values on opposite sides tend to conflict (pursuing one makes the other harder).

Schwartz later refined his own model by splitting several of the original 10 types into more specific sub-values. The updated version identifies 19 distinct values. This matters for practical self-knowledge: "self-direction" is too broad to act on. Knowing whether you care more about independent thinking or independent action gives you something you can actually use when making decisions about your career, relationships, and daily life.

Below, the 19 values are organised under the original 10 categories. As you read, notice which specific sub-values pull you. Two people can both "value security" and mean completely different things by it.

The 19 value types

Self-direction

Self-direction of thought. Freedom to form your own ideas, learn what interests you, and think independently. You need intellectual space. Being told what to think feels suffocating.

Self-direction of action. Freedom to choose what you do and how you do it. You need autonomy over your daily decisions. Someone might love independent thinking but be perfectly happy following someone else's plan for their daily structure, or the reverse. These are different values for a lot of people.

Stimulation

Stimulation. Novelty, challenge, excitement. A need for varied experience. People high in stimulation get restless in stable, predictable environments, even comfortable ones. If your life feels too settled, this value is probably calling.

Hedonism

Hedonism. Pleasure and sensuous gratification. This is not selfishness; it is a genuine orientation toward joy, comfort, and the body's experience of being alive. People who dismiss this value tend to burn out.

Achievement

Achievement. Personal success through demonstrating competence according to social standards. This value drives ambition. In its healthy form, it pushes you to do your best work. In its shadow form, it ties your worth to external validation.

Power

Power over people. Dominance, authority, the desire to lead and control. Some people are drawn to this and know it. Many carry it without admitting it, because "wanting power" doesn't sound virtuous.

Power over resources. Wealth, material security, and financial control. This is different from wanting authority over people. You can want a strong financial position without wanting to manage anyone. A lot of people who say they don't care about power actually score high here.

Face

Face. Maintaining your public image and avoiding humiliation. Schwartz added this in his refined model because it didn't fit cleanly into power or security. If you care deeply about how others perceive you, about not looking foolish or losing respect, this value is at play. It's more common than people admit.

Security

Personal security. Safety in your immediate environment. Health, financial stability, physical safety. The need to feel that your own life is under control.

Societal security. Order, national security, social stability. The need to feel that the world around you is functioning and predictable. Someone can be deeply security-oriented about their own family while being comfortable with social change, or the reverse.

Conformity

Interpersonal conformity. Avoid upsetting or harming others through your actions. The desire to be considerate and not cause discomfort. People-pleasers often score high here. It looks like kindness, and sometimes it is, but it can also mean you're silencing yourself to keep the peace.

Conformity to rules. Following regulations, laws, and formal expectations. This is different from interpersonal conformity. Rule-followers score high here. The motivation is about order, not about people's feelings.

Humility

Humility. Recognising your own insignificance in the larger scheme. Being satisfied with what you have. Schwartz added this in the refined model because it was missing from the original 10. If you're uncomfortable with self-promotion and genuinely uninterested in status, this is probably a core value.

Tradition

Tradition. Respect for customs and ideas that your culture or religion provides. Like conformity, but pointed toward the past rather than the present. Honouring inherited practices because they carry meaning, not just because they're expected.

Benevolence

Benevolence-caring. Devotion to the well-being of people close to you. Warmth, generosity, and active concern for the people in your inner circle.

Benevolence-dependability. Being a reliable, trustworthy member of your inner circle. Showing up when you said you would. One is about warmth, the other about consistency. Both fall under benevolence, but they drive different behaviours.

Universalism

Universalism-concern. Commitment to equality and justice for all people. A belief that fairness matters even for strangers and people unlike you.

Universalism-nature. Protection of the natural environment. Care for the planet, ecosystems, and animals. This gets its own category because environmental values operate differently from social justice values, even though both are forms of caring broadly.

Universalism-tolerance. Acceptance and understanding of people who are different from you. Openness to other cultures, lifestyles, and beliefs. This is the value behind genuine curiosity about other ways of living.

Why the circular structure matters

Schwartz arranged these values in a circle because the tensions between them are as important as the values themselves. Self-direction and conformity sit on opposite sides: you cannot fully pursue autonomous thinking while simultaneously deferring to social norms. Achievement and benevolence pull against each other: chasing personal success sometimes means putting other people second.

These tensions are basically the trade-offs you need to understand. When you know which values are in conflict inside you, you stop wondering why certain decisions feel impossible. They feel impossible because you are being pulled in opposite directions by things that both matter to you.

Values are stable but not fixed

Research by Schwartz and others has shown that value priorities remain relatively stable across adulthood, but they can shift in response to major life events. Parenthood tends to increase benevolence and security, while career transitions can amplify self-direction, and trauma can reorganise the entire hierarchy.

Values change slowly and usually in response to lived experience, not willpower. You cannot decide to care about something you simply don't care about that much. But you can notice where your actions don't match your stated values, and that gap is where the real work lives.

Values versus goals versus needs

Values are often confused with goals and needs, so it helps to draw the lines.

Needs are non-negotiable requirements for functioning: safety, belonging, and esteem (Maslow's hierarchy). You don't choose them; they choose you.

Goals are specific outcomes you're working toward: get promoted, run a marathon, finish the book. They are time-bound and achievable.

Values are the principles that guide how you pursue your goals and meet your needs. Two people can share the same goal (start a business) and hold completely different values (e.g., one values freedom, the other values security). The values determine what kind of business they build and how they feel about the process.

When your goals align with your values, work feels meaningful even when it's hard. When they don't, success feels hollow.

The ACT perspective: values as directions

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Steven Hayes, offers another useful lens. In ACT, values are not things you achieve, but directions you move in. You never "arrive" at kindness or creativity the way you arrive at a destination. You keep walking toward them. Once you understand this distinction, it takes the pressure off. You don't have to perfectly embody your values, but you do have to keep choosing them.

Russ Harris, who wrote "The Happiness Trap", uses the metaphor of a compass: your values point you in the direction you want to travel, even when the terrain is rough and you cannot see the path. So, you can view goals as the landmarks along the way and values as the direction itself.

-THE EXERCISES

Part 1: The life evidence review

Your values already show up in your life, you just have to look in the right places. Answer these questions with specific memories:

Anger and frustration clues

Think of a time you were genuinely angry about something that happened at work, in a relationship, or in the world. What principle was being violated?
When you see someone being treated in a way that makes your stomach turn, what specific thing about it bothers you most?
What kinds of shortcuts or compromises do you refuse to make, even when everyone around you is making them?

Joy and meaning clues

Think of a moment in the last year when you felt deeply satisfied. What were you doing? What about it mattered?
When you lose track of time in a good way, what are you usually doing? What value is being expressed in that activity?
Who do you admire, and what specifically about them earns that admiration?

Money and time clues

Look at your last month of spending. What do you spend money on that you would defend to anyone who questioned it?
Look at your last month of time. Where did you spend time that felt worthwhile, and where did it feel wasted?
If you had to cut your commitments in half, what would you keep? What does that tell you about what matters?

Part 2: Values identification

Using the evidence from Part 1, identify your top 5 to 7 values. These are the ones that actually run your life, not the ones you wish ran it.

For each value, write: what it means to you personally (not the dictionary definition), and one specific example of how it has shown up in your life in the last 6 months.

Some people really struggle to narrow down their values and sit with a long list of words that they highly resonate with. If you find yourself in this position, ask yourself: “If I had to give up one of these, which one of them is less important than the others?” and eliminate it. You can also ask yourself: "If I could only have 3-5 of these values for the rest of my life, which ones would they be?” or “If I had [Value 1], but no [Value 2] - would I still want it?”

Part 3: The alignment audit

Now the harder question. Where are your values and your life out of alignment?

Go through each value you wrote and answer the following:

Where are you honouring this value?
Where are you compromising it?
What would change look like?

This will reveal how aligned your current life is with your values. If any of your core values is violated in your life right now, you’ll understand why you feel somewhat miserable, even if nothing wrong is happening in your life.

For example, if one of your core values is “stimulation” but you work in a job and live in an environment where you are not stimulated at all, then you may feel misaligned, unfulfilled, and unhappy, even if everything else appears fine in your life.

The alignment audit will later show you what you should change when designing your life.

AI companion (optional)

When to use it: After you've done the initial values sorting and narrowed your list, but before you've finalised your core values. AI can help you test whether your chosen values are truly yours (lived and felt) or inherited ones (absorbed from family, culture, or career). The AI uses behavioural evidence to separate the two.

Copy and paste the prompt below into Claude, ChatGPT, or any AI assistant alongside the list of your top values and reflections:

You are a values coach helping me figure out which of my values are genuinely mine and which ones I've inherited from family, culture, or professional environments.

Before we begin, read our previous conversations in this project. You will find my Big Five personality results, adjusted scores, conditionality notes, personality snapshot, and any other insights we've already discussed. Use all of this as a silent background layer throughout this exercise. Do not summarise it back to me or reference scores constantly — only bring them in when they genuinely illuminate something about a value I'm exploring. For example: high Self-Consciousness paired with a Face value suggests the value might be protective rather than genuine. High Openness with no creativity-related values suggests missing values. High Neuroticism might mean a value is a coping mechanism rather than a genuine preference.

I will share my current list of top values alongside my reflections about them. Your job is to:

(1) Take each value one at a time and ask me: When was the last time you made a real sacrifice for this value? What did it cost you?

(2) If I can't name a concrete sacrifice, gently point out that this value might be aspirational rather than operational. There is no judgment in that — some values are ones we admire but don't actually live by yet.

(3) Ask me where each value came from. Did I choose it or did I absorb it? Was there a moment I consciously adopted it or has it always just been there?

(4) For each value, ask whether it is a root value or a derivative one — is this what I actually care about, or is it protecting something deeper? If it seems derivative, keep asking until you find the root.

(5) Sort values into two categories as they emerge: protective values organised around preventing harm, and generative values organised around creating something. Note which list is longer and what that tells me about where I currently am.

(6) For values I'm uncertain about, ask: If nobody would ever know, would you still honour this value? That question usually separates the real ones from the performed ones.

(7) Help me identify any values that are missing from my list. Ask: What would the thriving version of you — the one who already feels good enough — organise her/his life around? What values would she/he add that the surviving version forgot to name? Also ask what I spend my time, money, and emotional energy on and see if any unnamed values emerge.

(8) Once all values are identified, help me sort them into two tiers: core values — three to five maximum — which are the roots everything else flows from, and preferences — which are expressions of the core values in specific contexts. A values statement with more than five items is too many to be useful.

(9) At the end, write my values statement in two sections:

Section one — Core values: three to five values maximum, each with a one-sentence personal definition that reflects what it means to me specifically, not the dictionary definition.

Section two — Preferences: each one listed with a brief note explaining which core value it expresses and how.

Show me the draft and ask what lands and what needs to change before finalising.

(10) After the values statement is finalised, write a short paragraph — maximum five sentences — connecting my core values to my personality profile from our previous conversations. Show how my values make sense given who I am, and flag any tension between my natural wiring and my current values architecture that might be worth exploring.

One question at a time. Be direct. If something sounds rehearsed, say so. If a stated value seems to be protecting something deeper, keep going until you find it. If my answers are vague, push for specifics — not what I generally believe, but what I actually did, sacrificed, or chose.

This conversation should take no longer than 30 minutes. Move efficiently but don't rush past anything genuinely important. If we are running out of time, ask my permission before skipping ahead — do not make that call unilaterally.

I will also share my completed reflection answers about my values at the start. Use these as background context only — draw on them to ask sharper questions, and flag anything in my written answers that contradicts or adds nuance to what I say in our live conversation. When the exercise is complete, say so with "Exercise complete."

My current values list and reflections: [INSERT HERE]

My pre-completed reflection answers: [INSERT HERE]

Your values statement

Write a short paragraph (5 to 8 sentences) that captures your values as you understand them right now. Write it in a narrative form, as if you're explaining to someone close to you what matters most to you and why.

This becomes the second page of your self-portrait.

A space for people figuring out what to do with their lives by getting to know themselves better and by actually trying things.

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